It’s Your Call

Just before lunch time, I got an email from my boss. “Be on this phone call at 4:00 pm”, it read. “Huh…?” I thought for a moment what it could be about, but then a student called out to me and I rushed over to see how I could help. For the rest of the day, I worked in my classroom assisting students, checking grades, and pondering what the phone call would be.

Soon, I discovered I was not the only one to be on this conference call. There would be others. Six it turned out. Four teachers and staff, our immediate supervisor, and the Head of School. I left work early to start my hour commute home. I wanted to be in the comfort of my home and sweatpants to make this call, in case it was to be bad news. When I got home and changed, I told my husband, “I think I’m going to be fired.”

“What?!” he said to me as he glanced around his computer screen in his home office. “I think I’m going to be fired.” I replied rather impatiently. “Why would they fire you? You are great at your job. You just got a promotion and a bonus a few months ago.”

I had no response.

Four o’ clock came. I called into the conference line. I recognized the voices on the phone. They were my coworkers, my friends. You could feel the tension. We were all waiting, wondering, hoping for the best.

“I’m sorry to have to tell you all this.” Said the voice.

Here it comes…

“There has been a reduction in force, or RIF. You are being released from your duties here.”

Being released…

With those two words, my mind started to fill up with questions and uncertainties. “What if I don’t want to be released from my duties? I love my job. What about my family’s health insurance? What about our bills? What about my students? They will be left without a teacher, a mentor, a coach? How could this happen? How could you promote me, then fire me? Fire US!?”

None of those questions came out of my mouth on the phone call. The words, concerns, and fears just jumbled around in my head like a load of wet laundry in the dryer. Turning, turning, turning until I was a hot mess.

“It will be alright.” was my husband’s mantra. My darling husband, the bread winner and self-employed software engineer never understood why I would want to work for any company. Always a business builder and entrepreneur–he didn’t quite get why I bought into the fake security of large conglomerates. “Health insurance for a family of 8…” was usually my answer to that.

The next day I was on a plane to Northern Virginia for a work presentation. I was told I couldn’t present at corporate headquarters because I was no longer an employee. Ironically, I was to present on the teacher’s future in our company. How funny life is! The trip was already reimbursed and it couldn’t be canceled. I went anyways, but for vacation.

The retreat to Virginia was cathartic. I did nothing but journal, sleep, feel sorry for myself, cry, journal some more, hiked in the woods, took long salt baths, spent money while I had it (aka, retail therapy) and convinced myself that it really was going to be alright. After a barrage of well wishes, and “I’m so sorry”-ies on FaceBook, Twitter, and Instagram, I realized I had a choice to make. I had to choose which path I wanted to take.

Pathways of Consciousness–that is what this whole blog is about. Knowing that the path we choose is perfect for us. There might be something we need to learn as we go down the darker path to face our fears. There might be something we need to do for ourselves, as we choose the path of self-love and self-acceptance. There might be something we need to do for others, telling our story gives others the opportunity to show compassion and empathy. There is no perfect way. Just YOUR way, YOUR path, YOUR journey.

So what path shall I choose? I’d like to think I am on the path of least resistance. The path I am on can get pretty dark, honestly. Fear and worry block out the light and I can barely see the beauty around me. Some days, the path is bright. I can intuitively see my future lies ahead. I eagerly anticipate what is around the next bend.

More often then not, I have stopped to rest. When I rest on the path, I am again at a fork in the road. I can choose any of the paths around me. My feelings help me point the way. What do I choose? Dark or Light; Shadows or Sunshine; Clouds or Rainbows; Fear or Forgiveness; Anger or Compassion; or a mixture of everything?

Each minute that passes, each day that goes by I make a choice. It feels very good to have options–and none of them are wrong, because they are all mine.